Now that the confession has been made it's time to let you in on a little fact that I have not yet mentioned on the blog. Why? Please refer to the paragraph above. I resigned from my job at DePelchin Children's Center. On July 28, 2011 to be exact. This is a decision that I have been contemplating for many months now. Yes you see since I don't do the whole change thing I just sit on my thoughts for months and months and continue to weigh the pros and cons until I am blue in the face. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who supports me, will talk things over with me one million times yet who ultimately (and very gently) encourages me to either make a decision or "get over it."
DePelchin is an AMAZING organization. The past 4.5 years have been a blessing and some of my coworkers are now my dear friends. Yet there are times in life where we must make decisions that are best for our overall mental, spiritual and physical well being. Since starting my fertility journey two questions my OBGYN, fertility Dr, acupuncturist and therapist have all asked over and over again is "Is there any way to lower your stress level?" and "Can you quit your job?" Seriously... you do not know how many times they asked me these two things. At first I totally dismissed the idea of quitting my job. I mean why would I quit? I would reason that I should continue to work in my role as a social worker b/c 1 - We didn't have children yet so why would I leave now? and 2 - Why would I not contribute financially at a time where I can continue to bring in money and save for the future? and 3 - Why in the world did I get my MSW at one of the top social work schools in the nation, only to work for 4.5 years? Plus I love my job, my role in the agency and my clients. I love the satisfaction I get from assisting clients as they add to their family through adoption. But, you see... there is this little bitty factor called S. T. R. E. S. S.
Now I am not dumb nor am I naive. I know each and every job in this world comes with stressful situations, deadlines and dilemmas. But I will say boldly that the stress that comes from being a social worker, working directly with people & their raw emotions on a day in day out basis, can over time become completely consuming and overwhelming. Some days I feel I am able to leave work at work when the clock hits 5pm, while other days I am not as easily able to disassociate. Brandon has even mentioned many times over the last year that while I don't think I am stressing about work he can read it all over my face and knows that my mind never stops. Ugh... he knows me too well. Plus, working with women who find themselves in a crisis pregnancy (or yet another crisis pregnancy) all while I am trying so desperately to conceive, can bring out a whole new realm of emotions. But that is an entirely different post for another day.
I was talking with my therapist one day about my fertility journey and she looked me straight in the face and said something like "Brittnie, do you understand that the level of stress your body continues to endure (from work) plays just as big role in you not getting pregnant as any other health factor? It might be time to rearrange your priorities and focus in order to meet your goal of pregnancy." Hmmmm. So I went home, did more research (therapists opinion was confirmed in this book), prayed and came to my final decision (with Brandon's urging and support).
I can say with 100% peace that this decision is right. I feel it is the right time and that I am ready for a new adventure. Yet while I know this peace is coming from the Lord, I am finding it hard to slowly let go and walk away. Yes... it goes back to the whole I don't do change very well thing. I find myself worrying about my clients, my role at the agency and all the tiny little details I handle on a daily basis. I ask myself "What if they forget x, y or z?" or "I have worked so hard the last 4.5 years to make this program the best it can be...what will happen when I leave?" My mind explodes and I have to literally tell myself to STOP. I need to let go. I need to give up the control. Yes... I am also a control freak. I guess that is confession #2 or 3 for this post. Not surprising that this little personality trait of mine is what paved the path for my battle with anorexia. Through my ED recovery I have learned the importance of giving up control (when needed) and just letting go. Life is not about extremes. Life is not about living in only black or white with no middle ground. It's about learning to lean on a God that is bigger than myself and trusting Him to take the reigns and drive my future towards His will. Oh how freeing this is! I did it with anorexia and I can do it now with my job.
So while I will continue to give it my all until October 7, 2011 (my last day) I will not let my controlling nature take over. I will not stress about this change and I will not become fearful. I will choose to take a step back, take a deep breath, let go and actively watch and wait for God to do His thing. Oh... and eagerly await the day I start my new job as a nanny for two adorable toddlers! Bye bye working nights, weekends and 24 hour on call. Hello Houston zoo, Children's museum and picnics in the park. :)
Do you struggle with change?
In what area of life do you have a hard time letting go?
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