Life With An Eating Disorder: Resources

Happy Friday! Today marks the last day in the series. While some of the testimonials may have been hard or uncomfortable to read, I hope that the words shared spoke some truth, hope, and perhaps gave you new insight into the world that is eating disorders.

To wrap things up I want to leave you with some hands on resources, should you or someone you love need them in the future. In no way does the list below encompass all the great information out there, there are so many more websites and books, but at least it will give you a start.

Recovery/Research focused blogs
ED Bites
Science of Eating Disorders 
Living With Food: Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders 
Kartini Clinic for Eating Disorders
Binge Eating and Bulimia: The latest psychological research on eating disorders  
Something Fishy: Website on eating disorders
Eating Disorder HOPE 
Mirror Mirror
The Recovery Boat
Blog Roll from Surviving Anorexia

Recovery/Research focused books (taken directly from Surviving Anorexia)

Eating Disorder Information
Anorexia Nervosa: A Survival Guide for Families, Friends, and Sufferers by Janet Treasure

Answers to Anorexia: A Breakthrough Nutritional Treatment That Is Saving Lives by James M Greenblatt

Bulimia: A Guide for Friends & Family by Roberta Trattner Sherman, PhD., and Ron A Thompson, PhD.

Eating Disorders: The facts by Abraham and Llewellyn-Jones

Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder by Locke and Grange

Eating Disorders: The Path to Recovery by Kate Middleton

First Steps out of an Eating Disorder by Middleton and Smith

Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behaviour Techniques by Christopher Freeman

Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Freeman

Eating Disorders Psychological Issues/Self Help

Healing your Hungry Heart by Joanna Poppink

Hope, Help and Healing for Eating Disorders by Gregory Jantz

Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters and the Pursuit of Thinness (2nd Ed) by Margo Maine PhD

Navigating Teen Depression by Gordon Parker and Kerrie Eyers

Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behaviour Techniques by Christopher Freeman

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Piper

The Body Betrayed by Kathryn J Zerbe

The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre

Maudsley Approach

Skills-based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder: The New Maudsley Method by Janet Treasure

My Kid is Back: Empowering parents to beat AN by June Alexander

Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown

Compulsive, Comfort or Emotional Eating

Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth

Appetites by Geneen Roth

When Food is Love by Geneen Roth

Memoirs, Life & Recovery Stories

Appetite for Life: Inspiring Stories of Recovery by Margie Ryerson

Biting Anorexia by Lucy Howard Taylor

Gaining by Aimee Liu

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Lifeby Jenni Schaefer

Just Tell Her to Stop: Family stories of eating disorders by Becky Henry

Life without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too by Jenni Schaefer

Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter

Perfect by Emily Halban

Restoring our bodies, reclaiming our lives by Aimee Liu

Thin by Grace Bowman

Unbearable Lightness: A Story Of Loss And Gain by Porta de Rossi

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

Depression

The books below are what spoke to me when learning how to deal and live with my depression. There are so many, many books on depression, that you will certainly be able to find some that speak directly to you. Some of my best finds were in second hand shops.

Living with a Black Dog, books I and II by Matthew Johnstone

Depression, Lifting the Cloud by Dr Christine Reed and Dr Lisa Lampe

Depression, The Way out of your Prison by Dorothy Rowe

Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton

Healing Path by Dan Allender PhD

The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Cuthrie

Hope in the Midst of Depression by Mary Southerland

The Shelter of Each Other by Mary Piper

Do You Think I am Beautiful; When Wallflowers Dance; A Beautiful Offering – all by Angela Thomas

Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards

A Women’s Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

A Confident Woman by Ingrid Trobisch

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Life With An Eating Disorder: A Message For The Parents

Playing catch up this week? A Love Letter To My Sister , The Challenge To Stay, and Beautiful For Me .

Today I am sharing a post written by an Australian mother who writes over at Surviving Anorexia: eating disorder recovery - our family's journey through anorexia. Her daughter, Sophie, has been struggling with an eating disorder since 2009.

To read more about Sophie's story click here.

 . . .

Confused, Broken Parents 

For those of who care on a daily basis for someone with an eating disorder, the road is rough, painful, scary, and brings so much pain. This is not a post to build or promote guilt in those who have an eating disorder illness. You didn’t choose this, you don’t stay by choice. You had no say in getting the illness. So don’t take anything from this. It is simply about how difficult it can be and how alone you feel as a carer.

I have met another wonderful mum, whose daughter is about to come home from inpatient care. Like me and others before, the mum is distraught, grieving, struggling and wondering what lies ahead. It is a terrifically hard and terrifying time. Yes your daughter is now back at her BMI weight, her brain is functioning and her body healing. BUT, the eating disorder is now cornered. It is fighting loudly and desperately for it’s space. It won’t give up easily nor back down. It heightens the fight and finds many other ways to now live.

My daughter like many who come home from inpatient care for the first time and are still to really start deep counselling therapy can only hear the screaming ED voice. Our daughters hate their safe weight, hate they have to eat, hate those around them making them eat, hate being watched, hate being monitored. They feel they look like Biggest Loser before photos. Their only thought is when they get home is to not eat, to lose the weight and use every trick in the book (plus new ones) to not do what their parents or team are telling them.

Us parents find the several daily fights (a fight for each meal so that’s 6 fights a day), and stubbornness and sneakiness of the eating disorder very, very difficult. It is wearing, exhausting and an emotional roller coaster. You are constantly watching, sifting through conversation with your daughter as to what is her and what is the ED talking, always monitoring. And always loving her so much but unable to protect her from the damned illness.You hope for full recovery and no relapses. But the hard, cold reality is relapses will happen, some being big ones. You don’t know if your daughter is one of the ones headed for full recovery or not nor how long it will take her. Will she just do the 5-7 years or will she be stuck for so much longer. I remember days when all I wanted to do was pack my bag and run away. It was just so tough and at that stage a seemingly thankless task of trying to save  daughter, who appeared to not want to be saved.

The only advice I can give of someone who has come out the other side and lived through some very dark, scary times with my daughter is find support for yourself. Friends, family, your daughter’s support team, your own counsellor. You need others around you to mentally and emotionally support you. Try to find some time out, somewhere to scream and cry it all out. Take each day as it comes, one day at a time only. Remember you are not alone in this, there are many of us who have gone through this before (and may still do so again). Just knowing that another understands exactly what you are feeling and going through (even if they are on the other side of the world), can be so empowering. Hold on, remember that your daughter/son is still under the monster like tentacles of the eating disorder and they need you and love you. They desperately want you to last the distance and be there for them. My daughter’s gratitude for me being her strength and foundation during her illness knows no bounds. That is reward and enough in itself. Believe and know that your daughter/son wants to be saved, deep down they don’t want to be sucked under with this illness.

Life With An Eating Disorder: Beautiful For Me

If you're playing catch up this week click here and here. 

Today I am honored to have Alexis Kennedy share with us. Alexis and her family actually lived in my same city and attended church with us, before moving several years ago. I haven't talked to her in quite some time, and then God crossed our path again through the blogsphere. I love how blogging reconnects people. And I love how cool God is. Have I said that before?

Grab a tissue. You will need one, or several, to make it through this post and the video at the end. 

. . .

“For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren’t falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don’t know how I really feel. I don’t want to worry anybody, and I definitely don’t want anyone to think I’m a head case. But I’m tired. Tired of pretending.  Tired of trying to be something I’m not…happy.”

This was taken from my sister’s blog where, for a while, she would blog about her experiences and struggles with her eating disorder. I had known for a long time that something was consuming my sister, but it wasn’t until our Dad died in 1999 that I got a glimpse into her struggles. I vividly remember the day of my Dad’s funeral. I had walked by the bathroom in my parent’s house and heard my sister throwing up. I asked her if she was okay, but she denied throwing up and stated that she was “fine”. I didn’t really think much of it until she had her tonsils removed soon after. She had to be admitted back into the hospital due to unexpected bleeding, because she refused to drink the protein shakes they wanted her to in order to heal properly. It was that day in the hospital that my sister told us that she was bulimic.

Bulimia. I hate that word. Hate it so much that it makes me sick to my stomach and want to scream at the top of my lungs. Hate it because it has taken so much from my sister’s life…her identity and her zest for life…for so many years. There is nothing worse than watching someone you love struggle to love themselves.

Fast forward a few years…my sister had become pretty sick, and decided to check herself into an eating disorder treatment center. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her to do that, but, for the first time, I felt relieved. I felt like I could stop holding my breath and relax because I knew she was being taken care of by people who understood this terrible disease. My mom and I attended weekly group sessions while she was in treatment, and I’m pretty sure this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! You see, my family never liked to talk about our feelings or the “bad” things going on in our lives…we just kept it all inside, and put a smile on our faces as if nothing was wrong. Therapy brought out all of the struggles, resentments, and fears that we had all held deep inside for so long. It was mentally draining…but healing at the same time. It was during these sessions that I saw, for the first time, just how destructive bulimia had been to my sister…both physically and mentally.

 

Therapy ended and my sister looked the best she had in years! She was genuinely happy and looked healthy. However, I think this was the hardest time for me. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to act, and didn’t know how to not “cross the line”. It was as if I was walking on egg shells every day.  They told us in therapy what things we ought to say and what we shouldn’t say. I was so afraid of messing up and causing her to slip back into her old ways…

However, about a year ago, I started to see my sister slowing fading away again. In therapy they also told us that this would happen…that people with eating disorders will have relapses and that we need to support them the best way we can. This is so hard for me to do! I feel so helpless and scared. I look at her and I see how sad and “distant” she is, and I don’t know how to “fix” it. I feel angry inside. Angry that her eating disorder is winning again…and angry at her for letting it win. I want to fix her problems and take them away…but I know I can’t; only God can heal her.

 

My hope is that one day my sister will see how beautiful she is, both inside and out. That she will wake up every day and think “I love my life” and “I love the person I am”. I hope there comes a day when I don’t worry that this disease will take her life. I pray every day that she will look to God for answers…that she will know she is never alone in this long, hard battle. I love her so much.

I will leave you with the lyrics to a song, by Nichole Nordeman, called “Beautiful For Me”. The first time I heard this song, I immediately thought of my sister. I hope the song will touch your heart like it did mine…

source

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What's the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you'll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
"Is that your best?" says the mirror to the mess
But there's a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
If it's true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what's inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that's captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you've been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you're beautiful

Has anybody told you you're beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
'Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You're so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

Life With An Eating Disorder: The Challenge To Stay

Last week we heard personal testimonies. Yesterday kicked off family member and friend testimonies and Sara shared her perspective via a letter written to her sister.

I had to rearrange a little this week as a few who were scheduled to guest post decided to pull out, due to concerns with confidentiality and privacy for their loved one. I completely understand and support their decision. In the spirit of our series I decided to write a little something for today. I know what you all are thinking, "You are the one with the ED history, and this week is about hearing from family and friends." True. Very true. But I thought long and hard over the last few days and I think, despite this little discrepancy, I can share from my heart and shed some light on how to stay connected with a loved one, or a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder, when the easier option would be to walk away. Because several people did this for me. I am eternally grateful.

. . .

The Challenge To Stay  

Staying connected to a friend or family member who has an ED is hard. Eating Disorders have a way of pulling the person farther and farther away from their world. Thus, the more the eating disorder sets in, the harder it is to stay rooted to your friend or loved one. This is so challenging on many levels. As one who cares and feels genuine concern, the last thing you want to do is pull away out of frustration. But how do you stay connected when (it feels like) you're the only one willing to do the work?

I want to give you three words. These three words were monumental to me in my walk and ultimately, in my progress. I am not a licensed therapist of any sort, yet I can say with boldness that these three concepts below, made a difference in those few people who journeyed with me through it all. Those few people who actively said "I am choosing to stay vs. walk away."

Patience
Be patient. If I have learned anything over the last few years it has been that patience is key. It is hard watching someone you love beat up their body and fall into the same trap over and over again. Yet try to meet them where they are, and don't expect a miracle overnight. When they cancel last minute dinner plans because the thought of going out to eat is just too hard, be patient. When they cannot muster up enough energy to make it to that girls weekend (that has been planned for months), be patient. When they fall into the trap and the (so it seems) never ending cycle of self harm, be patient. Giving the gift of patience will serve you, and your friend, far better in the long run. Eating disorders take a lot of time and energy to work through. And when you have just about had it, just take a second and reflect on how God showers you with patience each and every day. He has no perfect children after all.

Persistance
Be persistent. You will probably be the only one making effort to keep the friendship alive, at least for a while. You might ask your ED struggling friend to coffee fifteen times, only to be rejected all fifteen. This is where persistence kicks in. Ask a sixteenth. Be persistent. Eventually (and yes I mean eventually) your friend will say yes. What a shame if the yes was coming after invitation 16, but you had decided to give up instead after 15. Persistence communicates love in so many ways. Keep it up.

Prayer
Be prayerful. Prayer is so vitally important when you are feeling the tug between choosing to stay and walking away. Pray about everything, big and small. Pray that God will open your eyes and that He will grace you with wisdom of what to do, what to say, when to speak, and when to listen. Pray for those little milestones that one walking with an ED must reach. Pray for their family. Pray for their therapist. Pray boldly and specifically. Pray that they can drink that 2% milk without having a panic attack (Yes, I'm speaking from experience here). I cannot underestimate the power of prayer. It was so encouraging to me just knowing that others were lifting me up (especially when I did not have the courage to pray myself), and celebrating answers and victories along the way. And don't forget to pray for your ability to show patience and persistence as you walk this road.

So that is my encouragement to all of you friends and family members of one with an eating disorder.

Patience, persistence and prayer.

Is it challenging to stay? Yes.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Life With An Eating Disorder: A Love Letter To My Sister

Hi everyone! Hope you had a fantastic weekend. We sure did. Didn't do too much but sometimes that is exactly what we need. A little family time mixed with a little r&r is just necessary.

Today kicks off week two of our "Life With An Eating Disorder series." Last week we heard five testimonials from women who have, in some way or another, struggled with an eating disorder. I want to thank them again for their willingness to open up and share their world. I assure you this is not as easy task. Not at all. I applaud them for their transparency and bravery.

This week we will be hearing from family members and friends of one who has struggled with an eating disorder. Eating disorders effect more than just the person who has been diagnosed. Eating disorders effect the whole family. Friendships too. While in different ways from the one diagnosed, the entire family suffers, hurts and grieves. Friendships are strained. Eating disorders put a distance between those that should be the closest to us.

Wives, husbands, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters. . .

Here are their testimonies.

Today we are hearing from a gal named Sara (she asked that all other identifying info remain anonymous). She has watched her sister struggle with an eating disorder for many years, and is willing to share her heart in the form of a love letter. Her letter is below.

. . .

Love Letter To My Sister

Dear Sissy,

Somebody asked me, “What is it like to know a loved one with an eating disorder?”  Ironically it is the opposite – I feel like I do not know her.  You know all too well what life is like battling an ED.  I have no idea.  There is a fortress that the ED hides you inside; so far I have been left outside the walls.  One of the evil things about an ED is that it tries to convince the person it’s pursuing that the distorted eating behaviours associated with it are shameful.  What is the human response to shame?  We hide.  Rewind to Genesis … the ultimate in beginnings.  Adam & Eve are created by God for relationship with Him and relationship with each other.  Genesis 2:25 quite clearly reveals “they felt no shame.”  A mere 7 verses later “they felt shame” followed in the next verse by the decision to hide from God.  So here in this fallen world people initially respond to shame by hiding. 

For those of us who love the one hiding inside that fortress we struggle too – back and forth & up and down on the spectrum.  We’re frustrated.  We’re supportive.  We’re quiet (yes that’s it keep it hidden).  We’re noisy (pushing our way like a bull in a china shop). We ask questions trying to show we’re interested and we care to understand.  We don’t ask questions to show we are not nosy and we respect privacy.  It is such a fine line.  We want to cross it so we can be re-connected with the one on the other side of those walls, yet we don’t want to cross it and end up alienating and thereby losing what bit of connection remains. 

God created people.  God gets to define us.  My pastor says these words a lot and they have engraved themselves into my mind. They give complete clarity to identity and can improve the perspective of any seemingly hopeless situation.  The enemy has no (none, zero) power to say who we are.  The enemy has no ability to say that you are worth less … worth less than me, worth less than her. The enemy does not get to identify you as “an ED victim”.  In Truth you are a beloved child of God.  In Truth you are a beloved sister of mine.  This is your identity as defined by Our Sovereign Creator.  Nobody gets to change it or take it away.

God created people for relationship with Him and with each other.  He yearns for people to turn toward Him and to want that intimate connection that He is passionate for.  Similarly, those of us on the outside of the fortress wall yearn for their loved one to crack open that door, let the Light shine into the darkness of the ED’s fortress, and choose to re-connect with us.  To help us understand where you are so we can walk alongside you on this journey.  Sometimes we don’t express this well or even appropriately.  Maybe we express anger, or impatience, or ignorance, or any number of other unproductive reactions.  But at our core we just want to love you (and maybe haven’t figured out how to show it) and for you to love us back.

With Love, 

Your Sister Forever No Matter What

One spot open for family member or friend testimonials. . . who wants it?

Happy Saturday!

I just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I had one spot open up for this coming weeks "Life With An Eating Disorder" series. If you are a friend or family member of one that has had or is currently struggling with an ED, and you are willing to share, email me! I can publish your post on Friday as to give you plenty of time to write. So. . . who will it be?

See ya Monday!

Life With An Eating Disorder: Never stop fighting

Today's post concludes week one of the "Life With An Eating Disorder" series.

In case you missed Monday - Thursday, here you go...
A Story of Hope
A Story of a Once Perfectionist
A work in progress
The importance of recovering for YOU

Today we have Nicole who is here to share her testimony. She is from the great state of California (yes I am partial because I was born there) and loves reading, singing and making music. Nicole recently graduated from a treatment center for eating disorders, and I am SO proud that she is willing to share with all of us. Not many people would be willing to share like this, less than two months post treatment. Talk about some courage.

. . .

This past year has been a whirlwind. Let me back up though and ease you in. When I was in 5^th grade I had the thought, “I’m fat,” for the first time. I wasn’t until I was in 8^th grade that the behaviors started. It started off innocently enough. I thought, for whatever reason, that in order to make friends in high school I had to lose weight. So I started eating less thinking that was the only way to lose weight. By the time I was a freshman in high school I was skipping meals and I had begun self-harming. The one thing I promised myself I would never do was purge because I wouldn’t risk ruining my singing voice. Towards the end of my sophomore year I started purging because simply not eating wasn’t working. This was a turning point in my battle with eating disorders. A turn for the worse. The next two years are all kind of a blur. This beast wholly consumed me.

The summer before I left for college I consciously had the thought that I could finally lose the weight I had been trying so hard to lose because no one would be around to stop me. No one knew me. I could get away with not eating. I was excited. My eating disorder was ecstatic. I started seeing a counselor at the school’s counseling center at the request of a friend. During the spring semester of my freshman year my counselor asked me to go to an eating disorder clinic to have an assessment done. I had absolutely no intentions of admitting to the program. I went to appease my counselor. I remember the day I walked into Valenta very clearly. I don’t remember the questions I was asked. I do remember being weighed and not being able to see my weight. I was freaking out inside. I didn’t need to be there. I wasn’t sick enough. I left, never intending to go back. I went home that summer and continued on my downward spiral. I just wanted to be thin. I came back to school where my friends pleaded with me to start seeing a therapist again and go see a doctor. I found another therapist, but I refused to see a doctor. 

Finally, in December of 2011 my physical symptoms became an issue so I went to a doctor and had a complete blood panel done. When I went back for the results I was told that everything looked normal and obviously I didn’t have an eating disorder because my BMI wasn’t low enough. “See, you aren’t sick. You’re fine. You don’t need any help.” I believed this lie and continued to let my eating disorder live my life for me. In March I began having suicidal thoughts and a couple of my friends cornered me telling me that they wanted me under 24/7 supervision so that I couldn’t hurt myself. I refused and in response they contacted my RD (Residence Director). I met with her and a therapist from the counseling center and assured them that I had no plans to kill myself. They were reassured and I thought I was home free. Then they asked me to set up an assessment at the same eating disorder clinic that I had been to a year ago. I called the next day and set up an appointment for the day after that. I remember this assessment with amazing clarity. I remember being scared to death because admitting to the program was an actual possibility this time. One of the therapists came in, the one who ended up being my primary therapist, and began asking me an exhaustive list of questions. After what seemed like forever she told me I had bulimia. Shock and denial filled me. Then she told me that she would strongly recommend the partial hospitalization program. I went cold all over. I left telling her that I would think about it and give her a call. Within a couple of days I had withdrawn from a class, talked to professors, and committed to going to treatment.

March 19, 2012.

This was the day I entered treatment. 

I went in thinking that I would be in and out within 6 weeks. Little did I know that 6 weeks would turn into a year. I lived with a friend over the summer since Valenta is 10 hours away from home. I thought for sure I would be done before school started in the fall. Too bad eating disorders are relentless. I was still in program when school started. I was only going 2 days a week in order to attend classes. This arrangement started causing issues and my therapist placed before me an ultimatum. Either I came back into program full time or I discharged. I discharged. I couldn’t let myself get anymore behind in school. I had to graduate on time. Enter in 3 weeks of hell. These 3 weeks opened my eyes to an attachment I had to my therapist and to the fact that I still desperately needed help. After 3 weeks I sent my therapist a text and told her I needed to come back. I ended up withdrawing from 2 classes, staying on campus for Thanksgiving break, and only going home for 3 days at Christmas in order to be in treatment full time.

This time around something had finally shifted in me. I finally wanted recovery for me. I didn’t care that I might graduate late. Who said you had to finish your undergrad in 4 years anyways? For the next 5 months I worked my butt off. Before I knew it my therapist was talking about graduating me from the program. I was ecstatic and scared to death. How could I do this without Valenta? 

March 20, 2013.

I graduated from Valenta.

It was a day of many emotions. I had done it. I had accomplished something and I was, and still am, darn proud. Looking back over this past year, I’ve realized that despite the pain it brought, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. God made Himself known to me in so many different ways. He put me in positions that forced me to rely solely on Him. I’m not done with recovery yet by any means. I still have a battle ahead of me. But, I can now say that recovery is possible and everyone deserves help. 

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t silence yourself because you think you aren’t sick enough. Never stop singing. It’s taken me a long time to find my voice again- the voice bulimia had stolen from me. Find your voice again. And if you need help to do it, seek out help because you deserve it. And always, always, always, kick your eating disorder in the teeth. Take back your power. Take back your life. Never stop fighting. 

. . . 

See you back here Monday to continue this series and hear family member testimonials.

Have a great weekend! 

Life With An Eating Disorder: The importance of recovering for YOU

I hope you guys are enjoying the series thus far. I know I am and I love that we can come together, learn from one another and journey through life's ups and downs, together, even if over the internet.

A Story of Hope
A Story of a Once Perfectionist
A work in progress

Our testimony today comes from one gal who would like to remain anonymous. I have gotten to know her (via this blog and lots of emailing) and while she says she reads this blog as a way to receive hope and encouragement, I can tell you quite confidently that she has also been an encouragement to me. While she has had some ups and downs (um hello, haven't we all?), she continues to seek God's will and guidance for her life and in her recovery. In a nutshell, she is awesome.

Day four here we go.

. . .

First off - I'm keeping my struggle of an eating disorder anonymous - partly out of respect and neccessity to my career, and partly out of shame.  I know this makes it harder to connect to me and my story, but I hope & pray you will allow me to open up to you all. 

I first began reading recovery blogs, which is how I know Brittnie, a few years ago when I was trying to get serious about recovery after a recent relapse.  I didn't really know what I'd find, but what I found was a community of genuine kindness, sharing, and most of all - HOPE.  My ultimate goal of this post is to extend that same feeling of hope I found, to even just one person, so they don't feel so alone in their struggle. 

My "story" began as so many of our struggles do - I was a young teen - 12-13ish - and was dealing with a lot of the normal teenage girl stuff - friendship drama, feeling unworthy, feeling less than others around me.  I also grew up in a family where it is acceptable to comment on someone's weight, and while I was absolutely not fat (funny how we can look back and see that NOW, huh?), I was not really thin, and got teased for it.  I was also dealing with family drama - nothing major, and I was raised in a very, very blessed and loving home, but there were issues that I really have no need or desire to get into.  The end result was, like so many young girls - I had nothing to control but myself.  I didn't know this at the time; I told myself that if I just lost weight, I would be thinner and it would help the friendship drama and family drama, and it would absolutely help my feelings of being unworthy.  So began my descent into disordered eating, followed by EDNOS, followed by my final diagnosis of bulimia nervosa. 

I was very good at hiding my eating disorder for a long time (family drama assisted with that), due in part to the lying that comes along with an eating disorder and also in part to the fact that bulimia does not lend itself to extreme weight loss, at least not in me.  All this to say - I was able to avoid treatment for about 7 years.  I started my first round of treatment when I was 19.  I admit, I did not go all that willingly, but because of an incident that woke me up - let's just say - I was removed from my college chemistry lab because I was considered a liability after nearing fainting - but once I went, I felt such a relief.  For the first time in my life, my depression was under control with medication and therapy.  

I wish this is where my story ended, and I could tell you all that treatment round 1 was perfect!  and great!  and worked like magic! ... but that's not the case.  I hated therapy and being uncomfortable and feeling judged.  Once my depression was being managed, and I was behavior free of my bulimia for a few weeks, I quit.  I stopped seeing my entire team.  That was probably the worst decision I've made with respect to my eating disorder recovery.  I did not have enough of a solid recovery under my belt yet, and I quickly relapsed.  I won't bore you with the details - I was 19 (maybe 20 by now?) and relapsed many, many, manytimes between then and now, at 26. I have bounced in and out of outpatient for way too long.  My insurance would definitely, absolutely never cover inpatient - because again - my bulimia never caused extreme weight loss, much to my annoyance and frustration when sick, and therefore, my average weight means never "sick enough" for insurance - but that's a whole other rant.  

What I kind of wanted to focus a bit on is what made me finally WANT recovery.  It is such a cliche that anyone who has had any amount of therapy for an eating disorder has heard multiple over - it will NOT work until you actually WANT recovery.  I scoffed at the idea, but honestly and truly realized how true it was only in the past year, over a decade after my eating disorder started ruining my life.  

Wanting recovery is not even good enough; you need to want it for YOURSELF.  It is not good enough to want recovery for your family.  It is not enough to want recovery for your job. It is not even good enough to want recovery for your husband or boyfriend or best friend, who loves you and adores you and it pains him to see you suffering - I have been there and tried recovery for my husband - it worked for a little while, then I relapsed.  Again.  I am absolutely not saying those things can't all be factors in recovery - they can and should be - but ultimately, you need to know that if all those factors are taken away, you still want recovery for YOU.  

For me - what keeps me motivated - is something I want for myself more than anything else in the world.  I want to be a mother.  I believe it is my calling from God, and I mean that really and truly.  I believe I was put on this earth not to be good at my career (which I like to think I am!), not to be a perfect person, most certainly not to spend my entire life purging and starving, but to be the best mother I can be.  Due to a medical condition that may or may not be related to my eating disorder (it is impossible for my doctors to know whether I would have had it anyway), I am infertile.  Whether or not my eating disorder caused my infertility, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it will NOT help me get pregnant.  My infertility has been the key to my finally staying in recovery and not relapsing.  This is what I want for MYSELF.  Of course, I want to make my husband a father, but I want a child more than anything my eating disorder provides for me.  

I do not really consider myself recovered - I have been in recovery (again) since July 2012.  I have had almost an entire year of recovery.  I admit there have been set backs; the most recent being a couple of weeks ago.  My wise friend Brittnie told me in an email to just keep telling myself, "my eating disorder will not help me get pregnant".  

Though I do not consider myself fully recovered - I definitely consider myself as someone who has had sometimes long periods of recovery before a relapse.  I know how wonderful it is to be free of this disorder, where bulimia does not dictate my day.  I am still in the stage where I know I need recovery to reach my goal, but the eating disorder thoughts are often very loud and I have to fight the urges each and every single day.  I know, without even a small doubt - that if I lose sight of why I want recovery for ME, why it is important that bulimia does not ruin MY life again, then I will relapse again, probably at an alarming rate.  

The only thing I really want anyone to take from this is that you need recovery for YOU.  I promise all those other reasons are good reasons to recovery, but not good enough. It needs to be for YOU.  Find that reason within yourself, what you want for you - whether it is overall health, or a specific goal for yourself (like my fertility), find it for you.  And know that if everything else is taken away, you will still have that reason.  And THAT is when recovery may start to stick.